Archive for July 2008
Fat Man and Little Boy
Everyone take a good look at the boy…(This is him by the way)
Because after this weekend,
NOTHING WILL EVER
BE THE SAME!!!
Cara is going out of town for this weekend and leaving Daddy Dub as the sole conservator of the boy. I’m pretty sure that we will not actually destroy everything but I’ll probably at least show him what happens when you mix baking soda and vinegar…..and maybe a few other tips from the ol’ trusty Anarchist’s Cookbook.
Delton is shown here hanging out in his new favorite spot. He has learned to crawl everywhere so we spend a good portion of our time at home just corraling him around and keeping him from escaping through open doors. Does that mean that the average cow has intelligence equivalent to a 10 month old? I think not. That’s kind of insulting to the 10 month old. Cows are dumb.
And as further proof that this is D-Money’s favorite spot, I include this as evidence. It’s not that all of you would call me a liar. I know I’m a liar. It’s my own fault for the checkered history of half-truths and tall tales that have altogether eroded whatever shreds of credibility I once enjoyed. Anyway, here he is in the spot wearing a different outfit AND if you look close you’ll see that he has not one but TWO papsies with him.
Exhibit B – but mostly because I’m frightened by how much he looks like me when I see pictures like this. It’s like a time portal into my past……weird.
One of Delton’s teachers from school loves to give him a mohawk, because as she says, “he’s the only one in class with hair”. Hey, it works for me!
And even though I can guarantee that teacher has no idea who Johnny Rotten is, I asked Delton to give me his best Johnny Rotten face when we got home and he did. He’s a smart one, that Miroki!
And since I’m out of topics here, I’ll just include this little anecdote: I was walking Delton in the stroller last week when a group of young punks drove up on me in a car and one yelled “YAY POWERWALKIN”!” at me out the window. My first reaction was to challenge the young punks to a fight but after that quickly faded away, I realized how that was exactly what I would have done 10 or 12 years ago. Then it was really funny. So, beware driveby hazers of powerwalkers, the tables will one day turn on you, friend!!
That’s What She Said!
Anaheim (AP) – Former Starlet Sherrod Cody recently aired out her complaints about her latest project, a Weinstein Bros. Production titled, “That’s What She Said”. “Even I’m bored while making this movie so I can’t imagine that anyone would ever want to actually watch it!” Said Ms. Cody.
Her co-star in the film, Mr. Mays Glen, appears in his first starring role in a film after being a Second City member since 1998. “I’m not sure what Sherrod’s all fired up about. Maybe she’s back on the pills? I don’t know, I guess she does make a semi-valid point because the script seemed kind of formulaic to me too. You know the routine…lonely girl can’t find anyone because she’s half past crazy, crazy and lonely girl meets a seemingly normal guy, guy ends up having an extensive criminal past and might even be dealing in crystal meth, guy tries to straighten up his act for girl, girl accepts him for what he is, guy cleans out girl’s checking account and steals all her worldly belongings while she goes to her real job during the day. The End. We’ve all seen that one a million times, haven’t we?”
Director Blake Brandon had the following comments to add: “Sherrod Cody needs to look in the mirror and realize that she’s no longer the hot commodity she was during the 80’s. I, Blake Brandon, was one of the few people in this town that was even willing to work with her and now you can probably see why. Yeah, I know the script isn’t good and the entire thing will likely end up going straight to DVD from whence it will be available at your local discount store in the $1 bin. I know that. But I’m just trying to get in the good graces of the Brothers Weinstein so that they’ll greenlight this pet project of my own, a biographical about the life of Matthew Lesko.” “Oh, you don’t know who Lesko is? Well, what about if I told you that he’s the wacky guy always on commercials wearing the suit with all the question marks on it? Yeah, you’d know who he is then.”
Mr. Mays Glen added, while watching Ms. Sherrod’s meltdown from the set, “It’s kind of funny that Sherrod Cody would complain about bad roles and not getting what she wants. Look at me, I had to star in the off-Broadway production about the life of Tim Meadows to get here. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in my dressing room before I had to go back on stage and relive that Leon Phelps – The Ladies Man scene. Even Meryl Streep is starring in Mamma Mia! and no one ever heard a peep out of her about that. I mean, she couldn’t possibly have wanted that role.”
“I just don’t understand why I have to be in this absolute dog of a film that Blake Brandon is trying to disguise as a romantic comedy. Where’s the romance? Where’s the comedy? I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to see this movie. I think it’s terrible and I’m actually IN THE MOVIE!” griped Sherrod Cody as she pranced off to her trailer for another day of sulking and pouting. Moments after her tirade, her boyfriend of the week, Farrow Thomas was seen entering her trailer with sacks full of gummy bears, sour gummy worms, and those gross gummy swedish fish things.
“I guess Sherrod and Farrow are up for another afternoon of binging and purging!”, quipped Mays Glen as he stared at the washed up starlet’s trailer.
(This article is brought to you in honor of the one that some might know as The Pig. Pigpen is 30 years old today and when I came to that realization last night, it was one of the stranger emotions for me. Those who know Pigpen will certainly understand. In related news, I found out this morning that Hunter S. Thompson’s birthday was also today. That really puts the whole thing in perspective for me.”
In other news, I need to report about a comment made last week about Quasi Uncle Joel and how he dominated Shaquille O’Neal. The story is true but because I frequently concoct stories of the most heinous persuasion, I was not sure if I got that point across properly.
In 1986, Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal transferred to San Antonio Cole High School as a result of his step-father’s reassignment to an Air Force base in San Antonio. People were astonished at the good luck of Cole High School landing a 7 foot tall behemoth to play on their basketball team.
In O’Neal’s first season on the basketball team, many teams did not understand how to defend him and as a result of that, he dominated every team he played. However, in the 1987 State Semifinals, O’Neal’s team ran into the Liberty Hill Panthers, for which Uncle Joel played. Being the tallest player on the team, Joel received the responsibility of defending Shaq and quickly figured out the best thing was to get him to foul out. Because Joel was smaller and quicker than Shaq, Shaquille O’Neal had no choice but to foul when he was getting beat off the dribble. Shaq fouled out in the second half of the game and Liberty Hill went on to defeat O’Neal’s Cole High School team and advance to the 1987 3A State Basketball finals. The most interesting note is that it was the only time Shaq’s high school team ever lost in the two years he played for them. If you go to his NBA biography today, you will see a note that Shaq’s high school team’s record was 68 wins and 1 loss.
So to paraphrase, Uncle Joel should be going around telling everyone, “Did you know that Shaquille O’Neal was 68-1 in high school? I am that one.” If I were Uncle Joel, I would certainly be doing that all the time.
The following year, Shaq won the high school state championship.
1988 3A State Basketball Championship
State Semifinal: Clarksville 61, Brownfield 53; San Antonio: Cole 67, Hearne 56.
State Final: San Antonio: Cole 66, Clarksville 60.
Members of the Conference 3A boys’ state champion San Antonio Cole basketball team are Darren Mathey, Dan Sandburg, Rob Dunn, Sean Jackson, Joe Cauallero, John Sherner, Kyle Henson, Mike Mennito, Chris Jennings, Tre Halliburton, Eric Baker, Tony Richardson, Andy Armando, Shaquille O’Neal, Dwayne Cyrus, Jeff Petress, Doug Sandburg, Head Coach Dave Madura, and Assistant Coach Herb Moore.
Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict: $200 million for the Dark Knight. I think it will be the biggest grossing film of the summer by a landslide and that it will end up as one of the top 3 grossing films of all time when it’s all said and done. Also, by now, you’ve had enough chance to see Wall E also so I can reveal the plot: Robot Love. We saw it for our anniversary outing this year. If I had known 6 years ago that Dark Knight wasn’t going to open until this weekend, I would have postponed my wedding so that I would be able to get to see it this weekend for my anniversary. That might be the most ridiculous supposition I have ever supposed, friends. Hey, it could happen.
Also, some random stuff I saw on the internet this week:
D-leaguers scrimmage Iranians I don’t know why but that headline made me laugh hysterically. It just seems like it should be the punchline to a joke, but it isn’t.
Babies can get concussions. I wasn’t sure if they could or not.
Economic News Opinions This is probably boring to most people who aren’t me but this guy all but predicted that Citigroup would post a huge loss this week and in the news this morning, they wrote down a $2.5 billion loss. Neat.
