The Phamily Times

 Delton is joining the 9 Month Old club today. He’s been waiting for it for quite some time and now he has gained acceptance. I believe there will be more on this later, when there are actually pictures of him at 9 months, but I can’t risk being scolded by someone for not mentioning it. It’s a momentous occasion indeed. And this is the best I could do by way of a picture to share. 

Also I have to report the one year anniversary of deltonforce – the blog. The editors of this blog thought it would be appropriate for the creator and lead writer to give an address on his hope and vision for the future of this blog:

Mr. Editor, Speaker of the House, House Minority Whip, Diplomatic Corps, Noble Servicemen abroad and My Fellow Internetians:

We gather here today with the audacity to hope that the straight talk express would let the conversation begin and give us the change we need. We have to stay the course and continue powering forward with this revolution into the cold, dark night. Can we do this? Yes We Can or as the Latinos say, “Si, Se Puede”

Before we do any of that though, I need to thank the following people:

Shawn Chacon:  Thanks for giving the national sports media something to discuss during what is typically a slow news period. It’s almost as though you woke up Wednesday morning with the plight of the bored sports-fans at heart. We appreciate that about you. We’re certainly willing to forgive you for choke-slamming your boss. We’ve all thought about it at least once or twice.

Ed Wade: Thanks for showing everyone your true colors. You were kind of hard to read for so long. However, although you had to endure a little bit of physicality, everyone got to know how it really is behind the scenes working for you. Any boss who is willing to tell an employee that they need to “take a bleeping look in the mirror” is destined to stay around for a LONG time. I’m glad to know that you really are the classless bully that all the Philly fans accused you of being. So, thanks!!

1997: Thank you for letting the phrase “macking” stay with you in the past. We were never really that comfortable with using that terminology but we reluctantly did because “everyone else was doing it”. EXAMPLE: “Did you hear that Jake and Wendy were mackin’ in the truck before school?” Seriously, just look at that! That’s how people used to talk. I can’t bring myself to think about how ridiculous that sounds!?! So, thanks 1997!! We’re glad such idiotic terminology has stayed where it belongs, in the past with you!!

Bull Moose Party: Thanks for not making too much of an appearance during this general election. It’s confusing enough as it is. Even though you had some real good ideas and I personally thought your ideology was altogether appealing, I just don’t need anymore ambiguity in my life. More Moose, Less Bull? That’s actually pretty clever and ingenious. Teddy Roosevelt would have been very proud of you but I just think a 3rd party, as great as it seems in theory, would only muddy the water even more in this current political climate.

Google Trends: Thanks for using current technology to allow me to stay apprised of what all is going on in the world today. Without you, I wouldn’t have known about Obama and Dobson’s latest tiff, Madonna’s mess of a marriage, The Eastern european cannibal lady, Jobbie Nooner, or my next thank you recipient. I am just glad that I have one place to turn to when I need to know something relevant and hilarious to say at the watercooler or even put on my blog. WIthout you, I might look pedestrian!!!

Danilo Gallinari: Thanks for providing a moment of humor for me during the NBA draft last night. I was all nervous about who the Rockets were going to pick and you helped me forget that when the Knicks picked you 6th and the entire placed erupted in booing. Really, I needed that. I only found out who you were exactly yesterday thanks to our mutual friend Google Trends. Also, I enjoy that your previous playing experience was for “Armani Jeans Milano”. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought that was made up. You know, like Bushwood Country Club or VanDeLay Industries. Now I have another fake company to sponsor my next sports team. Neat.

Muxtape: Thanks for providing hours of music for me at work. I was kind of bored by the music on my iPod and I really haven’t felt like going home and sitting at the computer for an hour while I deleted and reloaded new music. Thanks to you, I dont’ have to do that. I have hours of music which to sample whenever I want. There is no thinking involved. I heard about you a couple of weeks ago and I was intrigued. Thanks to you, I have music in my day. That’s real respectable.

Well, let’s not just banter on endlessly thanking people like a mindless grammy or oscar award winner. Seriously!!

So, about this blog and it’s one year anniversary. Well, things are looking good for the future but we’re going to have to scale back to one blog post a week for now until an undetermined period of time. We’ve just got too much going on and I should have used a little foresight when we started this deal a year ago. Most bloggers have a clear idea of what they intend to accomplish with a blog. I never had any of that, I just set out to write and post pictures and now a year later, I think I accomplished that.

Additionally, there is the matter of how this will compare to any future children I may have. I can’t bear the thought of Delton’s future brother or sister feeling unloved when they don’t get two blog posts a week with pictures for the first 9 to 12 months of their life. So, I’ve got to at least do that whenever he or she comes around. And this well of creativity can’t stay around forever. Oh, who am I kidding?? I’ve got an endless supply of nonsensical topics and observations that I can slap out for whoever pleases.

Oh, you don’t believe me?  Try this list of potential blog topics on for size and tell me whether or not the well of creativity is at risk of ever running dry:

Well, it’s Friday and I’m happy to report that Delton is back to 100%, he’s all better from his run-in with Ol’ Coxsackie. He’s back to kickin’ and squealin’ and has even been implementing his newest move, The Army Crawl. Every time I watch him, I’m amazed at how adaptable and industrious babies are. He’s got the Army Crawl down. He really only uses one leg to push off with but he can pretty much get wherever he wants. Especially if the disgusting dog toy is in his sights. There might be 25 toys of his to play with on the floor but the one that he really wants is Tino’s chew toy because it stinks and is filthy and is altogether off limits to him. Therefore he wants it. Maybe we should stop referring to it as The Secret Toy of Forbidden Mystery and that might not entice him as much, hmmmmm.

And, in case you didn’t know, it’s HOT. So, we used that opportunity to break in the baby pool in the backyard. One of these Saturdays, I have every intention of taking D-Money to the community swimming pool, but for now, the little splashing pool in the backyard will have to suffice. And since, he can’t swim and someone has to hold him the entire time, the backyard will be just fine.

He has really done a 180 from the little baby who hated baths. This kid LOVES water, and he has no fear at all. As soon as I put him in the water, he went face first in and then came up as if to say, “Hey, I couldn’t breathe under there!?!?!” I only let him get his face a little wet but at least I now know his attitude about swimming and that he is looking forward to a lot of fun times with that. 

And so, without any further ado, we’d like to present:

The Chick Fil A Delton Phelps’ Sweet Summer Spectacular Sendoff, sponsored by Coke Zero and Sonic Happy Hour

We recently had an opportunity to video a young family taking their offspring to the local watering hole. Our protagonist, Mr. Delton Miroki Phelps in his new swim trunks. 

Delton anxiously awaits his opportunity to do some aquabatics in the backyard. Just observe the fire in his eyes. He doesn’t yet know what is in store but he’s ready for his big day. Our staff has seen this look in the eyes of other young lads before, almost always precluding watering hole excursions.

 Action! Here the young boy discovers nature’s phenomenon of wet water.

The father of the child displays the quintessential dad trick, squirting water with your hand and pretending there might be a frog hopping around in the pool. Considering this and the propensity for fathers to blame flatulence on bullfrogs, it’s extremely biased. It’s almost as though dads and frogs are each others sworn enemies.

The child takes a moment to relax and displays what scientists call The Cock’s Comb but what the young kids call a “Fro-Hawk”.  Our research indicates females of this species are attracted to high and mighty “Fro-Hawks”, though explanations why range far and wide.

After the effects of the heat of the moment wear off, our research has shown that 97% of the participants in our studies exhibit extreme elation and joy to be simply splashing around in a large pool of water. This photo captures that moment majestically.

Almost always, the subjects become completely drained and lethargic and some point, and especially in the young, revert to thumb sucking when tired. This participant seems to enjoy sucking his whole fist.

Here we have the subject, Delton, enjoying a moment of solitude in the bouncy seat with his cousin, Zoey.

Delton relaxes at the den of his grandmother. Almost always, grandmothers exhibit extreme pride in the young children. We believe this emotion is captured here.

Alright, I’m bored with the fake scientist commentary. Perhaps that’s why I was a miserable failure at all things science related in school. Whatever, right? This is of obviously my handiwork with the camera. There is another photo of better quality than this but because I have no artistic talent whatsoever, that picture is truncated of both Mommy and Delton at the forehead. Oops.

Here’s a couple more of the leading ladies of Delton’s life, Memaw and Zoey, and as usual, no one complains about pictures of babies, especially when they’re so cute and sweet like Zoey.

I mentioned earlier that D-Money is no longer an opponent of bath time. Obviously, you can see that here. If I ever gain mastery of the video camera, and let’s be honest, it might never happen, I would take some video footage of Delton during bath time. It’s hilarious.

Basically, he gets all overstimulated and excited for baths. When he sees the tub, he locks in on it and begins to grunt and try to crawl in the tub. He enjoys splashing around and his favorite part is to lay back on the cushion and bicycle kick as hard and fast as possible. That hand you see holding him down? That’s mine, and it’s not to just cover up his man business either. It’s a safety precaution because when he does get to lay back and kick, he also squirms wildly and flops around mightily. You pretty much have to anchor him down. It’s a lot of fun but there is the disadvantage of getting completely soaked while doing so. You would think I would learn to change clothes before I go in there, but I forget about once a week. It’s like those old Gallagher comedy shows where everyone would get messy on the front row. There was always one person who got all gooey with watermelon every time. Come by some time and maybe you can get a front row seat to see Delton “Gallagher” Phelps Splashin’ in Action!

Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad we had this talk.