The Phamily Times

“Mr. Phelps, this is Delton’s school calling. It seems that a ravaging horde of 2 year olds stormed into Delton’s classroom and stole all the formula. We’re not real sure of the motive, but we believe that we have apprehended at least 7 of the culprits and we intend to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. We need you to come down and make a statement for Delton since he is a minor and also he can not talk.”

I’ve been trying to imagine the weirdest phone call that I could get regarding Delton and school lately and that’s the best I have come up with so far.. Anyone got a better suggestion????

Another one that I thought was funny:

“Mr. Phelps….It appears that a traveling gypsy ran wildly through the playground at recess, (Do they still call it that?) and, well, I’m sorry to tell you that while he was rambling incoherently and spitting everywhere, we believe that some of his saliva may have gotten in Delton’s eye and we just need to make sure Delton gets to the doctor because the traveling gypsy looked like he or she, honestly we still don’t know if it was a man or woman, but it, the gypsy, looked like a harbinger of disease for sure.”

I don’t know how to explain it but fatherhood has changed my perspective severely. Whereas I really never thought about next year very much and never thought about my life 5 or 10 years down the road, it’s all I can think about now and I worry if I am doing enough to provide for Delton and my family now. This situation has created a constant barrage of self doubt within my mind and I can’t tell if it’s normal for every dad or if I am just the crazy one that ponders all the things which are out of his control.

However, let it be known that I rest well at night after laying my concerns on the Almighty and knowing he will take care of everything. As the only Hebrew saying I know goes, “Jehovah jireh” “The Lord Will Provide”. Amen for that, right???

 WP-OUT!

This was just a quick blurb for me to test out my new Google Reader settings and offer a link to some recent pics of the boy. I am trying as best as I can to make Delton’s YouTube Debut happen but, like all parents, I’m a little pinched for free time these days!

Finally, for those who don’t understand my sense of humor, please enjoy this Top Ten list from Letterman that had me rolling and try to keep up!

10. He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on “General Hospital.”
9. Achieved his goal of getting Cuba’s unemployment rate under 83%.
8. Wants to spend more time interrogating his family.
7. Just got Season One of “Gilmore Girls.”
6. Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro.
5. Too many tacos.
4. He was adopted by Angelina Jolie — honestly, how crazy would that be?
3. Always promised himself he’d quit torturing when it stopped being fun.
2. Jane Fonda called him a blank.
1. 49 years at the same job? Who am I, Letterman?

and my favorite from his monologue:
“Fidel Castro resigned today. Apparently he wants to step aside and let his idiot son Fidel W. Castro have a chance at running the nation.”

I’m never real sure what good Valentine’s gifts are but I know what is NOT a good gift, and that’s a puppy. We learned that the hard way 4 years ago. To make the story very short and sweet, we got one dog, who was supposedly pregnant with one puppy, but then she had 3 puppies on Valentine’s day in 2004. One ruined rug, an entire house of ruined flooring and carpet, several rounds of cleaning up messes and 400,000 times saying “no licking the face” later, and our former babies are now 4 years old. Today Lenny Peters, aka the most needy insecure dog on the planet, Tino, whose official name is Valentino, [AWWWW, isn't that sweet? He was supposed to be the first and only one] and also Bagwell, who we managed to give away,  all turn 4 years old. And much to my dismay, none of our dogs turned out to be the happy go lucky 80 lb ball of destruction that I was hoping for!

Also, Delton is halfway to being 5 months old today. What’s the significance of that you say? Well, it means that we are that much closer to having a baby that will eat solid foods, go to bed early AND sleep through the night, and many other things that we look forward to. He is growing very fast and I’m excited to see him enter the “beefing up” phase where they get real fat before they learn to walk. That makes me laugh everytime. I mean, who doesn’t get excited for a fatbaby? Yes, it should just be one word, “fatbaby”.

He is also learning to use his hands more and has started grabbing everything in sight. Not too annoying but you do have to watch him because he loves to pull things down over his face. As shown the other day, he is now sitting in his Bumbo seat, so that’s kind of cool but we don’t really leave him unattended for more than a quick 30 seconds to 1 minute trip to the other room, or maybe the bathroom if we’re lucky, and NEVER leave him out of sight. Let me just reiterate that for those out there who will say, “I Can’t BE-LIEVE You Would Leave Your Baby In The Other Room!” I don’t, Cara doesn’t, Lenny and Tino Don’t. But if you have to lecture someone about it, Mommy Davey (a dog for those who don’t know) leaves the baby unattended all the time, so scold her if you must.

And now, for something completely different:

 Scene one, in which two executive producers for national network television have lunch at a super secret club in Hollywood that the unwashed masses like you and I don’t even know exist. They dine on something really exotic and rare like gold dipped bald eagle brains or sardines. No, these are not ordinary sardines, but the kind that only super important Hollywood executive producers eat. They were made 1,000 years ago by a diminutive race of now extinct humans, like maybe Hobbits or something, or Brobdingnagians (or Lilliputians, whichever was the smaller island) . So they’re like Pterodactyl sardines, if that’s possible……

Executive Producer A, Lance Carmichael: “I know this writer’s strike is over, but I’ve got a GREAT idea for reality television”

Executive Producer B, Rico McGillicuddy: “Seriously!?!?! Because, quite honestly, I don’t think the public can’t get enough reality TV. It’s like oxygen to them.”

Lance – “Okay, here’s my pitch: Two parties enter into a room, both sit at one table and tell a story.”

Rico - “I’m liking this…..”

Lance - “Here comes the kicker….both sides tell opposing stories before an independent panel.”

Rico – “Oooh, oooh….that’s great.”

Lance – “Yes, and we’ll call them representatives or senators or something like that!….”

Rico – “Certainly, and these “senators” will ultimately decide which party is telling the truth?”

Lance – “Of Course!”

Rico- “YES! And what happens to the party that lies?”

Lance – “They go to jail for 5 years for perjury!”

Rico – “Yes! That is absolute greatness.”

Waitress approaches the table….

Waitress - “Excuse me but that’s already been done.”

Lance – “Are you kidding me? Someone scooped me!?! Do they not know Lance Carmichael? I’m Lance Carmichael! No one messes with the Lance!”

Waitress – “They didn’t exactly scoop you, it’s House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearing of Roger Clemens”

Lance - “Oooh, how did they get a celebrity involved? I didn’t even think of that!”

Waitress- “Yeah, it’s called a subpoena.”

Rico – “Do you think this Oversight committee would be interested in selling their TV rights?”

Waitress - “Yeah, probably, but I think C-Span already beat you to the punch.” 

So, there it is. After all the loud noise regarding this hearing, I promised myself I would not pay any attention to this hearing, I went to lunch and it was on TV. And it was all I could do to not stare open mouthed at the TV. The Clemens Inquisition is the greatest thing to happen on TV since chocolate milk. And yes, they have chocolate milk now. I was shocked to find that out as well. As soon as I saw two arrogant and pompous grown men duking it out in a civilized and gentlemanly manner, I too could not look away. I fully believe that the general public, those of us in the unwashed masses, will never know the entire truth of the situation, but the entire fiasco is too much and quite honestly, more entertaining than anything on network TV right now! HOORAY!!!