The Phamily Times

“As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a gangster “

If you have ever seen Goodfellas, you’d recognize that opening line. The thing is, for me, for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a Viking. Ask anyone and they can confirm this for you. I am well known in some social circles for wearing a Viking helmet with horns to any social function. In fact, whenever I get around to it, I’ve got a mean set of antlers in my garage that are just asking to be glued to a hard hat and worn around like a Viking Helmet. I don’t know if it’s the Vikings’ general zest for life, their unwillingness to bathe, their absolute mastery of destruction skills, or their complete inability to compromise, but it’s a pretty respectable lifestyle.

And so, I think that’s what makes the newest Snickers ad campaign so great to me is that there is a Viking who screams, “FEAST!”. I also enjoy that his reaction to good news and bad news is the exact same.

It works on multiple levels because a) Vikings are good. b) Throwing things is good. c) Yelling is good. d) Snickers are good. e) Snickers are in fact a feast wrapped in plastic. If you have ever had to grab a quick “lunch” from the gas station, and realized that the hot dogs and taquitos are really just cat meat wrapped in leaves which were soaked overnight in bathwater, you’d know that a Snickers is a more palatable option and couple it with a soda water gigantico and you have got yourself a nutritious treat that will hold you over until Suppa’ Time and if you add more clauses to sentences by saying “and” repeatedly you might get a really bad run on sentence that your 5th grade teacher would whip you for and it might be real respectable and you might make it someday into a textbook as an example of what you shouldn’t do and you always wanted to be famous and now this is your chance and you now will have something interesting about you to open every conversation and maybe you’re now just saying what you think I’m going to say before I say it. Huh?

Or you might be like me and prefer candy bars for lunch. You know, “Packed with Peanuts, Snickers really satisfies.”

Anyway, I have lately entertained myself by saying FEAST! internally when Delton cries for food. I like to imagine that he says, “FEAST!” and then when he finally gets to lay back and have his bottle,  he slurps it down and says softly to himself, “Feast. Feast. Feast. Feast. Feast. Feast” Because, after all, that’s what I would be doing. And that is now the first thing I say when I walk into the house, “FEAST!” and continue saying it until someone offers me food.

I think what I enjoy about the word “FEAST!” is that is such an all encompassing concept. If someone offers you a snack, you might decline because, “I’m not that hungry” or, “Oh, we’re having tacos at home tonight. I’ll wait”. Contrarily, if someone says, “I’m having a feast at my house on Saturday”, you would get so excited at the possibility of eating until you felt your stomach pushing up on your lungs, that you would not eat anything all day Saturday.  If someone offers you a feast, it implies that what you are about to consume, it is going to be the biggedy bomb shiznittle snip snap snack, not just a snack. And yes, I’m fully aware that “bomb diggity” was the proper adjective to use in that circumstance but I do not usually go for the same old worn out clichés.

Some of you Abilene ex-pats may remember something called the Cahoots Feast offered in one of the restaurants at which I have previously worked. From memory, I believe it contained an order of catfish, several fried shrimp, fried oysters, fried frog legs, maybe some chicken strips all on a big bed of french fries. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone eat the whole thing. That’s because it is a Feast. It is not meant to enjoy alone. Feasts are for everyone!

Obviously this is on my mind as we prepare to do some sincere Feasting over the next week. Delton, on the other hand, gets a feast on a tri-hourly basis. All he has to do is say, “FEAST!” and in comes the best thing he’s ever had, a fat bottle of the sauce to slurp up! note: sauce is used in a general literary fashion. Delton neither receives actual sauce in his bottle nor does he receive “sauce” like some people might refer to when they say, “Old James is back on the sauce”. If you do not know what I refer to, simply disregard these deftly placed italics.

Since we traveled last weekend, the farthest we will get from our house will be Conroe when we go to Dodi and Papa’s house for Thanksgiving FEAST! It will not be a departure from the norm for Delton and Cara, except for the fact that they are going to eat a FEAST! at someone else’s house on Thursday. After all, they are home during the day EVERY DAY. I, on the other hand, will have a very relaxing week. Two extra days off, which means that it’s really only a 1.5 day work week because I, like just about everyone else in the “working world” will get all important tasks done on Monday and wrap it up on Tuesday morning, Then I’ll shift down into 3rd gear after lunch on Tuesday and coast in on fumes. And then on Wednesday, I’ll physically be at work, but it’s probably never even going to make it out of first gear all day. I think the schools got it right when they chose to just give everyone the week off. Nothing ever gets done anyway.

(Also, for the record, I know that Vikings were paganistic and also hyper-barbaric. I found that out when I researched Viking Funerals.  I thought they were cool. The idea of your body being let out to sea and then set on fire. Then I found out they usually sacrificed a couple of people to go along with the chieftain in addition to other more atrocious acts. Therefore, my proclamation of Vikings as the superiour race also falls under the umbrella of artistic license.)

Housekeeping:

Obviously, this is my first day on the job. I noticed that several people did NOT click on photo links the other day. If you tried and it didn’t work, I’m sorry. There was a HTML coding error and since I’m really a novice, it took a couple of days to figure it out. This link here CLICK ME is guaranteed to actually take you to the new photos of The Most Interesting Baby in the Universe. In the next week, I plan to completely remove all access to Shutterfly and transfer to Picasa. I didn’t have any takers on debating the merits of the two programs. So, that’s a done deal.

Call or email us anytime, including 3 a.m. Chances are one of us will be up and if we aren’t, we are used to being awaken from sweet slumbers. Happy Thanksgiving if we don’t hear from you!