The Ballad of Neminem and a Fishin’ Pole

It’s time to introduce everyone to a couple of the most popular things in our house these days. They are as follows: 

Neminem's Gone Fishin'

The Boy got several new toys for Christmas and he likes all of them well enough. However, his favorite toys are an empty candy container and the belt that came off a Buzz Lightyear action figure. Anyone who has children or has spent any amount of time with them knows where I’m coming from. They are hard-wired to find joy in objects that defy explanation. Because another “toy” that Miroki really likes is actually an empty toy box. It’s highly entertaining to stick toys in the box, close it, carry said box around, and then open it up again for a surprise! 

That’s just how it is. If you stop and think about it though, it kinda makes sense. Depending on what you believe, the earth is either 6,000 or 14 billion years old. And for a grand portion of those years, kids had no such thing as action figures. They had sticks, rocks, grass and whatever else was laying around on The Good Earth. So, they had to find something to play with! And thankfully they pulled it off because if young’uns needed toys to survive, none of us would be here now reading this delightfully entertaining bloggity-boo.  So, when The Boy prefers inanimate objects that defy logic, it’s just because that’s the way it was for a long, long time before that. Whatever your slant, I think you can agree that anything before Y2K is an extremely long time ago. I mean, did they even have blogs before Y2K?

If you’re observant, and I’m sure you are, you will notice that there are a few new features here on The Phamily Times. I hope to entertain and give delight to you more often and maybe attract more readers in 2010. So, I’ve added a couple of things that I think are going to facilitate that. One is the introduction of Twitter to this blog. I’ve been into Twitter for a couple of minutes now and honestly did not understand what it could be used for, but I sure do now*.

I am constantly in awe of how quickly The Boy changes and I lament the days gone by when he did things which were cute and funny. For instance, we took a little road trip last summer and he spent about 15 minutes telling everyone he could think of, “No”. Teachers, parents, dogs, friends at school, cartoon animations..everyone got an imaginary scolding from the backseat of the truck. It was kind of awesome! In that light, I have created an amalgamation of two things that will now overtake the universe. Like most parents, I have forgotten most of the things that happened before last weekend and it saddens me. CP and I were discussing the other day about how The Boy has changed so quickly that he no longer does some of those cute and funny things he used to do. And we agreed that it was necessary to archive those moments. So, I now present to you: StuffMirokiSays. It is a’twitter with all the things that Miroki observes and says that are hilarious. Some need context but some don’t and the best part is I can update much more frequently so check up on that mixed business occasionally, eh? And if I manage to see something that I remember as particularly funny, I’ll expound on that here and I will also respond to any comments or questions about StuffMirokiSays as they come across the wire.

The other new feature is sponsorships. I’ve searched my heart and decided that I will indeed sell my ideals to the highest bidder. So, if you have a message that you are hoping to convey to the readers that are now numbering in the low 8 figures, just give me a shout and I am confident we can come to an agreement on a fee. Don’t be misled, there is only one sponsor who is actually paying anything for these illustrious services. His Name is Warner Phelps. So, there is still room for any other of you who desire to publicize yourself here. Just be prepared to open your wallet. The price for my ideals is high.

(I apologize for the poor quality of the photo. Taken from my cell phone and I don’t have a very steady hand. Believe it or not, this was attempt #3. And besides, if you can’t tell what’s going on by this photo, a high quality one probably wouldn’t help you anyway. You know what else?!!? I don’t apologize. I Do Not Apologize At All. If you don’t like the picture then I’ll just cancel your membership, DUDE! (/burn!!!!\)

*For those of you who live under a rock, there is this thing called Twitter and it’s sometimes referred to as micro-blogging. Basically, it’s easier for me to add a bunch of new content via Twitter daily and not overwhelm you with posts. Also, there is a guy that started writing everything his father said down on Twitter and there are something like 1.3 million subscribers to that and he got a creative writing deal from one of the television studios, so I’m secretly holding out for that as well. We all know I have a deep desire to write this pure drivel every day and get PAID for it!!

Let’s See Can Find

The Boy really enjoys discussing what he sees these days and he has recently started proclaiming, “Let’s See Can Find” which is actually very helpful because if you hear it from another room you can automatically know that he is, or about to be, in something that is probably off limits.

He loves to “see can find” in closets and purses, briefcases or boxes left on the floor. He might go digging for gold in the pantry if you let him or if you offer him the option of exploring in the garage, well, I think you know what comes next.

And that brings to me another highly endearing characteristic of The Boy Known as Miroki these days. Or should I say more appropriately, “Grimble Gromble the Gnome formerly known as The Boy Known as Miroki”. Miroki, heretofore referred to as Grimble Gromble, has a little trick that I like to think a real gnome would be proud of…stealing things.

I think it’s time to introduce you to a new alter ego sneaking around our house. It’s name is Grimble Gromble and it loves to steal things. And I don’t mean stealing like money or anything of real value. While we all know candy does have value, and Grimble Gromble is not below stealing candy. But what Grimble Gromble really loves to steal are trinkets and other things that have little or no real value but are unbelievably frustrating to lose or have stolen. For example, nail clippers, remotes, flashlights, wedding rings, batteries. Basically if it’s shiny or a vibrant color or appears to have an on/off switch or maybe just seems like something that might be one or more of those characteristics, you can count on Grimble Gromble’s Grubby Palms to steal it.

And like a real gnome, Grimble Gromble also says things that are completely unintelligible. The incoherent vocabulary doesn’t stop with phrases that only kind of make sense.  Because there are words in Grimble Gromble’s vocabulary that further reveal his status as a true life gnome. I mean some of these words can’t possibly be human but I bet they are words gnomes use everyday. For example, “diggidayo” is one that has made it’s way into our house. (Phonetically pronounced “dig-uh-die-oh”) and it can be used to explain just about anything or describe just about anything.  It’s very versatile as it somehow manages to be a noun, verb, adverb, participle, adverbial clause and run on sentence. Sometimes all at the same time!. I mean…diggidayo has become so popular in our house that there have been songs written about it. They go, “Diggidaaaayyyyy…oh! Diggidaaaayyy-oh! Diggidaaayyyy-oh!” until someone quits or yells at the other one to please stop being annoying.

And that’s just the words that I understand well enough to try to spell. There are also inexplainable utterances and actions like how Grimble Gromble always says what appears to be the spanish “donde” whenever he puts on a pair of gloves or the other words that I don’t even understand well enough to try to reproduce in print. It’s the kind of gibberish that would make Billy Madison proud, that much is for sure!

Also, I discovered a massive gang/flock/gaggle/school of ducks in an adjoining neighborhood and after two trips to feed them, I think Grimble Gromble has had enough as have I. The ducks are pushy and mean and peck at your hands and are also incredibly, incredibly disgusting and filthy. Ducks are now officially the Worst Animals in the World with wild hogs running a close second.

Diggidayo!!